I am sitting on the deck enjoying these cool tempratures before they are gone. Just sitting here watching the sun slowely sink in the western sky, drinking a cup of strong black coffee, listening to sad country songs. I just feel an emptiness and a loneliness that is an old friend and enemy. A deep sinking feeling, the kind of feelings that you think are gone from your life, but have a way to sneak back in. I probably should have gone to church but I wanted to stay home. I think a part of me knew I was going to feel this way and like an animal crawling to be by itself to die, I wanted to be by myself. Why do we try to make ourselves even more depressed when we feel this way? I used to try and drown my feelings with a bottle of bourbon or any other strong whiskey. I gave up drinking, nothing stronger than a cup of coffee, but I almost feel the ghost of a rocks glass on my lips and the feel of a cigarette between my fingers. Satan plays these tricks on us I believe to throw the familiar sins back at us. The sins that still haunt and torment us. He hopes we will give in. I won't give in, I almost ruined my life. Now the sun is gone and the dark, blackness of the night starts to engulf all, except for the lights on my keyboard and monitor.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Posted by Anthony's Ramblings at 4:40 PM