Insomnia/Late Night/ Early Morning Thoughts

I am laying here in bed listening to Lady Gaga "Bad Romance" while my body does not allow me to sleep. I have my sleep schedule out of wack since Winter Jam at Rupp Arena. My MS has been acting up with fatigue causing me to sleep during the day and not at night. I guess you could say a bit of insomnia. Anyways my life has been interesting as of late. My dog Dierk has grown so much lately getting ready to become an outside dog but my father suprised me tonight saying I can have two dogs. He even said I could have one for inside if I house break it. He has been against inside animals for my whole life. I guess he sees how much it makes me  happy and Grace loves animals helps too. Grace has grown so much herself. She is able to reach the light switches and is talking so much now. My little tiger is growing up. I have also started to take a bigger part in church and even our youth leader told me I need to do more with the youth after I great time at Winter Jam. I think I am figuring out my life more now than I have in quite a few years. I have fully accepted that my marriage is over but it is still tough. I tried dating but have realized that I am not really for a relationship that I can fully commit too. I am at a point of self discovery. I need to discover who Anthony really is and get in touch with my feelings. I have actually been happy as of late even with financial problems. I am really re-evaluating my life. I was struggling with midlife crisis thoughts of, "what is the purpose of my life?" "what have I accomplished" etc. I turn the big 30 this December and I dread it but it is just another milestone in my life. Just because I am 30 doesn't mean I can no longer have fun. I have attended two concerts already and had a blast at both. I think I have realized that now while I am single I can do a lot of things that I couldn't have done as much as when I was married. I do miss being in a committed relationship, but I will live single for awhile unless I meet someone that changes that. I am going to have fun for awhile. I am going to fish and camp more. I am going to try and hang out with my friends and try to make new friends! A stranger is a friend you haven't met yet! While being married my ex and I always said we didn't know how to make friends anymore, but I am learning how to again. It is time to get out there and enjoy this life that God has given me. People always say that we need to count our blessings and it is true. I am alive, I have a beautiful and wonderful daughter, great understanding parents, and some of the greatest friends!! Time To Start LIVING!!

Introducing Dierk

This post is an introduction to a new family member, "Dierk". He is a 8-10 week old puppy I rescued from the local pound. He is a German Shepherd & Collie mix. Maybe this guy will help me deal with things. A buddy that loves unconditionally.

Thinking

I am wide awake and I can't stop thinking about life. My life has went through some major changes, especially loosing my wife of six years. It just makes me question myself. Am I a good guy? Am I really a nice guy? Why won't this pain go away? I think I am doing good and over her, then I see her, out of makeup wearing just her lounge pants and a tshirt and my heart breaks. I see the women I loved all those years. I have cried too many tears how can I have anymore to shed. Maybe I am meant to be single for the rest of my life. I broke up the first relationship since the seperation. I compared her to my wife too many times and it drove her away proving I am not over this. Will I ever be?
This pain is the worst I have felt emotionally. I miss you Amanda. 

I haven't updated in awhile so I'm overdue. Things have been so busy. I am currently in a relationship. I truly feel much happier than I did. I am getting over my soon to be ex wife, I just miss my daughter so much. I do get to see her but it inst the same as when I lived with her. She has grown up so much. I feel that I am truly moving on with my life. This is truly a new beginning for me. A new start, a chance to not make the same mistakes.

Ben Lives!!

More furry stuff:

My school ID

My con badge from AC'01 my last con

Pic of all us Furries drawn by Rosco

Another one by Rosco

One by me.

One of my alt character Kahlua Dawg drawn by Preyfar color by me.

Kahlua Dawg drawn by Tails Fox.

Memories

I have been going through pictures of my "furry" days and I thought I would share.

Tyger Cowboy and me at Anthrocon 2001.

Picture of Addison and me Anthrocon '01.

Picture of me at Memphit Furmeet 1999.

 

Picture of me or actually my character Ben Skunk drawn by Rosco

"Spider Caught The Fly In His Web Do Believe He Might Be Dead"

I think I have been listening to Tom Waits too much but I find his rough vocals to be very comforting at this point in my life. First holiday separated from my soon to be ex-wife and not being with my daughter. I will see Grace tomorrow on Black Friday. I am not going to give into the shopping fever with my fellow man/woman. I think if I want to risk being trampled  it will be for something more worth while than a store pricing a few items cheap so to start the Christmas shopping season.