"Spider Caught The Fly In His Web Do Believe He Might Be Dead"

I think I have been listening to Tom Waits too much but I find his rough vocals to be very comforting at this point in my life. First holiday separated from my soon to be ex-wife and not being with my daughter. I will see Grace tomorrow on Black Friday. I am not going to give into the shopping fever with my fellow man/woman. I think if I want to risk being trampled  it will be for something more worth while than a store pricing a few items cheap so to start the Christmas shopping season.

My Room With My Art

My room

I hung some of my art except 1 piece is not mine the skunk was done by turbine divinity

Most people are getting in the holiday spirits as tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I do find myself thankful for things but this day has truly been a hard one. Right now I find myself outside listening to Tom Waits chain smoking cigarettes one after another. The bitter cold air comforts me. I have had a really rough day. I fount myself looking through old cards and photographs putting them in a box for Grace someday. I wanted to just burn them as a box of lies but fought back the urge, knowing that Grace may someday want to see that her mom and dad was in love at least that her father was. It has been a day filled with tears and filled with anger. C'est La Vie..

Last Night

Last night I fount myself feeling nostalgic.I visited some friends and later I just drove. The night air felt so good. It brought back old memories driving late into the night and early morning, radio cranked with the offspring. I just drove even bought a black and mild, it really reminded me "hey I'm not a teen in high school but I am still young. That is something I find myself forgetting. I'm still young! I ended up driving through 4 counties not counting Powell.

Bucket List

 There was once a thing on face book about bucket lists (made popular by the movie) and I just started to think of my own real bucket list. I am reposting the facebook one but adding my own items that I really want to do in my life. Since I am now separated from my wife of six years facing divorce I feel that this maybe an opportunity for me to do things I always dreamed of. So long post .

Things I want to do before I die:

Make my daughter proud

Travel to the west coast

See the rain forest.

Drink coffee in Seattle

Go to Canada

Go To Israel

Go to Hawaii

Find a true love that will last

Drive across the United States

Make love on a beach

Go to Washington DC

Go to San Francisco

Get a tattoo

Go skydiving

Go ice skating

Go to London

Go to Greece

Go to Italy

Go to Germany

Visit the Louvre

See Paris

Things I have done during my lifetime:

(x) Gone on a blind date
(X) Skipped school
(X) Watched someone die
(X) Been to Florida
(X) Been lost
(X) Swam in the ocean
(X) Cried yourself to sleep
(X) Played cops and robbers
(X) Recently colored with crayons
(x) Sang Karaoke
(X) Paid for a meal with coins only
(X) Been to the top of the St. Louis Arch
(X) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't.
(X) Made prank phone calls
(X) Been down Bourbon Street in New Orleans
(X) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose & elsewhere
(X) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
(X) Written a letter to Santa Claus
(X) Been kissed under the mistletoe
(X) Watched the sunrise with someone
(X) Blown bubbles
(X) Gone to the movies
(X) Lay down outside at night and admired the stars while listening to the crickets
(X) Seen a falling star and made a wish
(X) Traveled by train
(X) Been to Disney World
(X) Truly believe in the power of prayer
(X) Seen whales in the ocean
(X) Been to a Major League Baseball game
(X) Played in the snow
(X) Lived in more than one state
(X) Watched the sun rise and set in one day from the same location
(X ) Beat a lifelong fear

november

I sit here at mcdonalds drinking a cup of coffee and find myself looking out the window. Looking out upon the grey skys and damp land.
I feel a strange sense of happiness and an old friend coming back. Creativity,
I always found this time to create a spark of inspiriation. I feel that this time of year brings out my darker artistic side.
I have been listening to tom waits and rufus wainright. May this spark continue.

I have made it through one event and was able to keep civil. Amanda and I are trying to be as civil as possible. My daughter just turned two, she is growing up. It is hard to think that my baby is now two years old. It is hard seeing Amanda and realizing that our marriage is over. I am doing better and trying to move on but it is still hard at times. I have shed many tears but I think its to be  expected. I need to cling to the cross more than ever right now to get through this. I don't want to be the man I was. "Oh Father I need you now!" The holidays are coming up and it is hard to think that the traditions we had started are not going to apply this year. I am afraid they are going to be the hardest to get through. I am trying to move on and at times I think I am doing good, then I start missing Amanda. Six years of marriage are all that we made it through and I do think of the good memories. I miss her so much at times, I miss her touch, holding her in my arms. I read one article on divorce that compared the emotions one feels is compared to grief of a loved one passing away. It honestly feels like that at times. It is hard to lay in bed and not feel them next to you. I can get through this. I pray that Grace doesn't get hurt. I pray also for Amanda because I know its hard on her.