Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Night, love, and more coffee.

I am still sitting here drinking coffee and listening to sad songs. I had to switch my coffee cup for a travel cup to keep it hot. The sun is gone and it is very dark now, just the light of the moon and stars fill the sky. The sun is gone and anybit of happiness I might have felt is
gone also. The air is cool, cold actually and it
bites at my bare fingers but it comforts me like a long lost friend. I sound like some teenage emo, but I just don't have anyone I can truly talk to right now. So here I am blabbing all depressed. Reason I am depressed, is the reason that these sad country artists write these lover lament songs, love. Love is a strange thing. We blindly go into it, or we become comfortable, too
comfortable and we don't see the loose threads starting to unravel. We don't see the strings in our own hands as we slowley pull. I pray that these things work out. Too much at stake.
Love is our greatest gift, but it is our most painful. The many tears I have shed because of love. When I was young I thought I knew what love was, but even now at 28 I realize that I truly didn't understand. I thought sex was love then, like many people have or do. I know that isn't love, it is a way to express our love for each other but by itself it isn't love. I have come to learn that there isn't just one kind of love. There is love we have for family, there is a different kind of love when you see that small shape on a monitor and hear a heartbeat, and your eyes swell with tears of joy. There is aa love that causes many tears when we see a friend being lowered in a dirt grave and you here "ashes to ashes, dust to dust". There is also a kind of love shown when you stand in front of family and God, and make a covenant to keep and hold till death do us part. Love brings so many tears. My tears feel warm on my cheeks right now as they fall. Love.. it is truly a special and hard thing to grasp. We can only hope that this strong emotion doesn't fade and when it does.. it hurts. "if we knew what we had before it was gone," Jeniffer Nettles (Sugarland) sang it best in "the very last country song"

Thoughts over a cup of coffee..

I am sitting on the deck enjoying these cool tempratures before they are gone. Just sitting here watching the sun slowely sink in the western sky, drinking a cup of strong black coffee, listening to sad country songs. I just feel an emptiness and a loneliness that is an old friend and enemy. A deep sinking feeling, the kind of feelings that you think are gone from your life, but have a way to sneak back in. I probably should have gone to church but I wanted to stay home. I think a part of me knew I was going to feel this way and like an animal crawling to be by itself to die, I wanted to be by myself. Why do we try to make ourselves even more depressed when we feel this way? I used to try and drown my feelings with a bottle of bourbon or any other strong whiskey. I gave up drinking, nothing stronger than a cup of coffee, but I almost feel the ghost of a rocks glass on my lips and the feel of a cigarette between my fingers. Satan plays these tricks on us I believe to throw the familiar sins back at us. The sins that still haunt and torment us. He hopes we will give in. I won't give in, I almost ruined my life. Now the sun is gone and the dark, blackness of the night starts to engulf all, except for the lights on my keyboard and monitor.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Don't Give Up

I am sitting here at Amanda's folks listening to music and typing this. Amanda is taking a much needed nap. Today is her birthday. I hope she has enjoyed most of the day. I feel horrible that I have made her upset today. Today was not a day for any upsetting talk, but I still did. I am sorry.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

A Boring Post

I am sitting here drinking a vitamin water and reflecting on my life. I just read some of Jen Sward's posts on her blog and it really got me thinking. Tonight I my mind just keeps bouncing from thought to thought. It is strange to think how much can change in a year. Last year, September 3rd I went through one of my most horrible times in my life. It has just been a little over a year that I laid in a bed at St. Joseph Hospital feeling that my life was over. I did as many sinners do as they lay on their death-bed, I repented. I was saved, I accepted Jesus Christ as my savior. I accepted Jesus in my heart on September 17th or 18th and my life began as a Christian. I was baptized on October 26th 2008. Life has changed for me.

Life is a hard thing to really reflect on. Even though my sins are washed, the memory of them still remain. They still haunt my mind. Some things are just hard to forget. I feel I have just fooled so many people in my life. I'm not the great guy that I may seem. I remember nights when I was a teenager holding a loaded .357 in my lap, holding it to my head, then laying it down, pounding my fist into the steering wheel, screaming foul obscenities to the omnipresent darkness of the night. How can God forgive this of me? Through His great love. I know I am forgiven but these memories remain. Memories are a constant reminder of how things was. I wish I could wipe these memories from my mind. They are chains that I wear holding me down.
I am a different person to many. People would even find it hard that I had moments like that. I have so many issues deep down in my subconscious. Things that I haven't forgiven myself. To love another one must learn to love oneself. How can I love myself? How can I love myself knowing all these horrible things I have done or thought?

My Daughter Grace

My Daughter Grace
Grace at Easter 2009.