Happy new year! I say good bye to 2010 and hope this new year brings better things. Last year has been tough. Mom had her accident, relationships, divorce, court...Just a bad year!

WARNING EMO. Please tell me I'm not the only person that hates their life sometimes

A bit of an emo post.

I am sitting here in a hospital room supporting a friend. My friend Connie is in the hospital due to an infection that has attached to her bones in her face from a sinus infection caused by a form of cancer she has t-cell non-hopkins lymphoma.  I am sitting here while she sleeps and her mom also slumbers. Just me with my thoughts. Quite a bit has happened to me recently. I just came out of another relationship due to a situation I am not going to post. This situation has me realizing how gullible I am. I guess that I truly sometimes get so carried away with what I think is love that it ruins my better judgement.  So I am back lonely. My divorce becomes finalized the 23rd of September. It brings such mixed emotions. I will be glad when its over but I still miss my former wife. I feel that I am never going to find anyone. I feel that my MS is going to make it hard but most of all I fear that even if I meet a woman that I am going to fail at another relationship. This October 11th would have been our 7 year anniversary. I feel like crying. I feel just that I am destined to be alone. I do have a wonderful daughter and a great little dog but a companion I feel I shall never have. I hate being alone.

Sometimes I get the feeling I am meant to be single since none of my relationships work out

I feel so lonely tonight.

? l friends. Life is tough but great.

? I can still live. I am dating a wonderful woman and realize life goes on. No matter how tough life gets its still worth living. I have made some wonderfu

? e to blame it just didn't work. I am no longer resentful and accepting of the divorce. I have multiple sclerosis, it keeps me from doing some things but

? rwent a lot in 30 years. I am a father of a wonderful daughter. I was married for 6 years october 11 would have been 7 but my marriage failed. No one els

? I have been suffering insomnia now for a month. Ambien doesn't even help. Only good thing it gives me time to reflect. I soon will be 30 and I have unde

Introducing Henny

Well Dierk is no longer with me. I had to find him a new home because he just was growing to big. I was terribly afraid he would knock Grace down. But as soon as I rehomed him I fount a great couple having to get rid of their dog. A 1 year old rough coat Jack Russell. Well to make a long story short I adopted her.

Insomnia/Late Night/ Early Morning Thoughts

I am laying here in bed listening to Lady Gaga "Bad Romance" while my body does not allow me to sleep. I have my sleep schedule out of wack since Winter Jam at Rupp Arena. My MS has been acting up with fatigue causing me to sleep during the day and not at night. I guess you could say a bit of insomnia. Anyways my life has been interesting as of late. My dog Dierk has grown so much lately getting ready to become an outside dog but my father suprised me tonight saying I can have two dogs. He even said I could have one for inside if I house break it. He has been against inside animals for my whole life. I guess he sees how much it makes me  happy and Grace loves animals helps too. Grace has grown so much herself. She is able to reach the light switches and is talking so much now. My little tiger is growing up. I have also started to take a bigger part in church and even our youth leader told me I need to do more with the youth after I great time at Winter Jam. I think I am figuring out my life more now than I have in quite a few years. I have fully accepted that my marriage is over but it is still tough. I tried dating but have realized that I am not really for a relationship that I can fully commit too. I am at a point of self discovery. I need to discover who Anthony really is and get in touch with my feelings. I have actually been happy as of late even with financial problems. I am really re-evaluating my life. I was struggling with midlife crisis thoughts of, "what is the purpose of my life?" "what have I accomplished" etc. I turn the big 30 this December and I dread it but it is just another milestone in my life. Just because I am 30 doesn't mean I can no longer have fun. I have attended two concerts already and had a blast at both. I think I have realized that now while I am single I can do a lot of things that I couldn't have done as much as when I was married. I do miss being in a committed relationship, but I will live single for awhile unless I meet someone that changes that. I am going to have fun for awhile. I am going to fish and camp more. I am going to try and hang out with my friends and try to make new friends! A stranger is a friend you haven't met yet! While being married my ex and I always said we didn't know how to make friends anymore, but I am learning how to again. It is time to get out there and enjoy this life that God has given me. People always say that we need to count our blessings and it is true. I am alive, I have a beautiful and wonderful daughter, great understanding parents, and some of the greatest friends!! Time To Start LIVING!!

Introducing Dierk

This post is an introduction to a new family member, "Dierk". He is a 8-10 week old puppy I rescued from the local pound. He is a German Shepherd & Collie mix. Maybe this guy will help me deal with things. A buddy that loves unconditionally.

Thinking

I am wide awake and I can't stop thinking about life. My life has went through some major changes, especially loosing my wife of six years. It just makes me question myself. Am I a good guy? Am I really a nice guy? Why won't this pain go away? I think I am doing good and over her, then I see her, out of makeup wearing just her lounge pants and a tshirt and my heart breaks. I see the women I loved all those years. I have cried too many tears how can I have anymore to shed. Maybe I am meant to be single for the rest of my life. I broke up the first relationship since the seperation. I compared her to my wife too many times and it drove her away proving I am not over this. Will I ever be?
This pain is the worst I have felt emotionally. I miss you Amanda. 

I haven't updated in awhile so I'm overdue. Things have been so busy. I am currently in a relationship. I truly feel much happier than I did. I am getting over my soon to be ex wife, I just miss my daughter so much. I do get to see her but it inst the same as when I lived with her. She has grown up so much. I feel that I am truly moving on with my life. This is truly a new beginning for me. A new start, a chance to not make the same mistakes.