A Boring Post

I am sitting here drinking a vitamin water and reflecting on my life. I just read some of Jen Sward's posts on her blog and it really got me thinking. Tonight I my mind just keeps bouncing from thought to thought. It is strange to think how much can change in a year. Last year, September 3rd I went through one of my most horrible times in my life. It has just been a little over a year that I laid in a bed at St. Joseph Hospital feeling that my life was over. I did as many sinners do as they lay on their death-bed, I repented. I was saved, I accepted Jesus Christ as my savior. I accepted Jesus in my heart on September 17th or 18th and my life began as a Christian. I was baptized on October 26th 2008. Life has changed for me.

Life is a hard thing to really reflect on. Even though my sins are washed, the memory of them still remain. They still haunt my mind. Some things are just hard to forget. I feel I have just fooled so many people in my life. I'm not the great guy that I may seem. I remember nights when I was a teenager holding a loaded .357 in my lap, holding it to my head, then laying it down, pounding my fist into the steering wheel, screaming foul obscenities to the omnipresent darkness of the night. How can God forgive this of me? Through His great love. I know I am forgiven but these memories remain. Memories are a constant reminder of how things was. I wish I could wipe these memories from my mind. They are chains that I wear holding me down.

I am a different person to many. People would even find it hard that I had moments like that. I have so many issues deep down in my subconscious. Things that I haven't forgiven myself. To love another one must learn to love oneself. How can I love myself? How can I love myself knowing all these horrible things I have done or thought?

How?