Ben Lives!!

More furry stuff:

My school ID

My con badge from AC'01 my last con

Pic of all us Furries drawn by Rosco

Another one by Rosco

One by me.

One of my alt character Kahlua Dawg drawn by Preyfar color by me.

Kahlua Dawg drawn by Tails Fox.

Memories

I have been going through pictures of my "furry" days and I thought I would share.

Tyger Cowboy and me at Anthrocon 2001.

Picture of Addison and me Anthrocon '01.

Picture of me at Memphit Furmeet 1999.

 

Picture of me or actually my character Ben Skunk drawn by Rosco

"Spider Caught The Fly In His Web Do Believe He Might Be Dead"

I think I have been listening to Tom Waits too much but I find his rough vocals to be very comforting at this point in my life. First holiday separated from my soon to be ex-wife and not being with my daughter. I will see Grace tomorrow on Black Friday. I am not going to give into the shopping fever with my fellow man/woman. I think if I want to risk being trampled  it will be for something more worth while than a store pricing a few items cheap so to start the Christmas shopping season.

My Room With My Art

My room

I hung some of my art except 1 piece is not mine the skunk was done by turbine divinity

Most people are getting in the holiday spirits as tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I do find myself thankful for things but this day has truly been a hard one. Right now I find myself outside listening to Tom Waits chain smoking cigarettes one after another. The bitter cold air comforts me. I have had a really rough day. I fount myself looking through old cards and photographs putting them in a box for Grace someday. I wanted to just burn them as a box of lies but fought back the urge, knowing that Grace may someday want to see that her mom and dad was in love at least that her father was. It has been a day filled with tears and filled with anger. C'est La Vie..

Last Night

Last night I fount myself feeling nostalgic.I visited some friends and later I just drove. The night air felt so good. It brought back old memories driving late into the night and early morning, radio cranked with the offspring. I just drove even bought a black and mild, it really reminded me "hey I'm not a teen in high school but I am still young. That is something I find myself forgetting. I'm still young! I ended up driving through 4 counties not counting Powell.

Bucket List

 There was once a thing on face book about bucket lists (made popular by the movie) and I just started to think of my own real bucket list. I am reposting the facebook one but adding my own items that I really want to do in my life. Since I am now separated from my wife of six years facing divorce I feel that this maybe an opportunity for me to do things I always dreamed of. So long post .

Things I want to do before I die:

Make my daughter proud

Travel to the west coast

See the rain forest.

Drink coffee in Seattle

Go to Canada

Go To Israel

Go to Hawaii

Find a true love that will last

Drive across the United States

Make love on a beach

Go to Washington DC

Go to San Francisco

Get a tattoo

Go skydiving

Go ice skating

Go to London

Go to Greece

Go to Italy

Go to Germany

Visit the Louvre

See Paris

Things I have done during my lifetime:

(x) Gone on a blind date
(X) Skipped school
(X) Watched someone die
(X) Been to Florida
(X) Been lost
(X) Swam in the ocean
(X) Cried yourself to sleep
(X) Played cops and robbers
(X) Recently colored with crayons
(x) Sang Karaoke
(X) Paid for a meal with coins only
(X) Been to the top of the St. Louis Arch
(X) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't.
(X) Made prank phone calls
(X) Been down Bourbon Street in New Orleans
(X) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose & elsewhere
(X) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
(X) Written a letter to Santa Claus
(X) Been kissed under the mistletoe
(X) Watched the sunrise with someone
(X) Blown bubbles
(X) Gone to the movies
(X) Lay down outside at night and admired the stars while listening to the crickets
(X) Seen a falling star and made a wish
(X) Traveled by train
(X) Been to Disney World
(X) Truly believe in the power of prayer
(X) Seen whales in the ocean
(X) Been to a Major League Baseball game
(X) Played in the snow
(X) Lived in more than one state
(X) Watched the sun rise and set in one day from the same location
(X ) Beat a lifelong fear

november

I sit here at mcdonalds drinking a cup of coffee and find myself looking out the window. Looking out upon the grey skys and damp land.
I feel a strange sense of happiness and an old friend coming back. Creativity,
I always found this time to create a spark of inspiriation. I feel that this time of year brings out my darker artistic side.
I have been listening to tom waits and rufus wainright. May this spark continue.

I have made it through one event and was able to keep civil. Amanda and I are trying to be as civil as possible. My daughter just turned two, she is growing up. It is hard to think that my baby is now two years old. It is hard seeing Amanda and realizing that our marriage is over. I am doing better and trying to move on but it is still hard at times. I have shed many tears but I think its to be  expected. I need to cling to the cross more than ever right now to get through this. I don't want to be the man I was. "Oh Father I need you now!" The holidays are coming up and it is hard to think that the traditions we had started are not going to apply this year. I am afraid they are going to be the hardest to get through. I am trying to move on and at times I think I am doing good, then I start missing Amanda. Six years of marriage are all that we made it through and I do think of the good memories. I miss her so much at times, I miss her touch, holding her in my arms. I read one article on divorce that compared the emotions one feels is compared to grief of a loved one passing away. It honestly feels like that at times. It is hard to lay in bed and not feel them next to you. I can get through this. I pray that Grace doesn't get hurt. I pray also for Amanda because I know its hard on her.

Rain, rain, go...oh hell stay awhile!

It is raining today and it as always seems to fit my mood. I am also listening to Tom Waits singing "I'm in love with a Jersey girl." His rough vocal chords scarred from tobacco and alcohol, God only knows what else, seems to calm and sooth my hurting heart. I am moving on but it is still hard at times. I don't know what to do about the divorce. I have been adding up my current debts and I honestly don't know how I am going to come up with money to pay anything. For those of you that maybe reading this and not familiar with Tom Waits needs to listen to him. His lyrics are very artistic and so rough that they really bring thoughts of diners and dirty old bars. The cast away side of society, that many of us feel we are part of.  I feel i am ready for a change of scenery. A city, rain, and steam coming from the vents. Buildings seeming to  come up from out of the dirty black pavement, stained with years of air pollution. The rain only brings out the darkness of the pollution giving the buildings an eerie look, as that of them bleeding. Their concrete and steel rising from the depths of Hell. I miss Philadelphia when it rains. I miss sitting in my friends Hope's apartment looking out her bay windows at Chestnut street, drinking Earl Grey, and discussing art, life, and the city. I miss conversations like that. Just two friends talking about everything that we thought was important but as we grow older realize they were no worry at all. I miss even the subway. The metal trains carrying people to their destinations underground. Today would be a great day to get a cup of coffee and talk.

Last Night, Wet Leaves, Trails, The Gorge, and Mr. Ambulance Driver

Well I am sitting here and feeling that I need to clarify the events of yesterday. I went with two friends to Koomer Ridge Camp Ground in Wolfe County KY to go camping in the red river gorge. All went well for the most part. Yesterday started out with rain but not very heavy rain. It was mostly off and on so we decided to go ahead and camp. Everything went well until we went on a hike. After making about three miles I lost my footing due to wet leaves and mud left from the rain. None the less I fell and fell numerous times. I tried to make it back to camp but the trail was rough and I even at times found myself crawling along the ground. In my mind I kept positive and related my situation of any situation that Sly Stallone dealt with in the Rambo movies. Eventually Multiple Sclerosis kicked in and pain also. We made it to the top of the ridge of the trail but I physically could not go any further. Luckily my friend Matt's Cricket cell phone had signal and we called 911 and had search and rescue come out and carry me out of the trail and to an awaiting ambulance. I have to give thanks to the rescue team last night. Thank you everyone!!! I ended up in Clark Regional Hospital last night. It is believed that I suffered two sprang ankles. My left ankle suffered the worst and causes the most pain. The xrays came out okay but I am still going to see an orthopedic to make sure there isn't any damage they missed. So Im now at my parents with both feet up and my left was placed in a half cast and the right just in an ace bandage wrapped tightly.

Still waiting for search and rescue hope i didnt sprain both

Otherwise in ok

(And rescue)

Has suffered a sprain ankle on a trail in the gorge waiting for search

I find myself once again awake too early, not that bad, but
still 5 am. Last night we (my parents and myself) moved a few things from the
house on Whitney Court. It felt weird seeing the house empty, minus a few boxes
and things scattered. The divorce really started to hit me last night. Amanda
brought Grace over and she has grown so much in week. Well two weeks roughly.
She is talking more and it is hard seeing her knowing what’s to come. My mother
broke down into tears seeing her. I gave her and dad time alone with Grace
while Amanda and I talked about divorce matters. I hope we can stay civil and
friends through this.

Coffee and Memories

This evening/night has really improved what was a horrible
day. I met up with Jennifer and we went out for coffee (at a little local
coffee shop I didn’t even know about) and a bite to eat. I had such a great
time. The coffee shop put me in mind of places I used to hang out at in
Louisville, tables were painted, haiku poetry on the walls. We talked about work,
life, and all that’s going on. It was really nice to get out and spend time
with a friend. It has been so long since I have hung out with someone other
than my soon to be ex-wife. I miss social interactions with people other than
my family. It was just a great evening. After grabbing a bite to eat at
Tollyho’s (by the way a superho with egg, bacon, and pepper jack rocks!) I left
and stopped at my once home. Most of the stuff was gone or placed where it
would be easy to grab it. It still hurts to be in the house. It is such a weird
feeling. We thought moving there was going to really change our lives for the
better. It changed our lives all right, though this divorce may be what we
really needed. My heart feels like it is for the better. I still care for my
soon to be ex but it just came to a point that it really would just be better
for us to be friends than husband and wife. I still want the best for her; she
was such a part of my life for seven years. Though it was a hard seven years we
still made some great memories that I shall hold onto forever.

Updates that where never made.

October 13,2009 12:35 A.M

I am sitting here at my parents out on their carport on a
swing and reflecting about last week. Yesterday, October 12, I was released
from The Ridge, a mental health hospital. Why was I in a mental health hospital
you may ask, and well I shall tell. I according to the doctor's I suffer from bi-polar type 2. Suicide attempt doesn't help.

Guess ya need my # 859 494 0293

Finally can charge my cel & hopefully will have internet thurs. I am @ my parents house feel free to call or txt

Love. Love at times is so hard. It is very hard feeling love for someone that thinks they don't feel the same way. How is it that love endures through some of the hardest times, yet the emotion can fade away? Does it truly fade? If things end, I know my love may change but it would still be present. Love brings us so much joy yet it can bring you down on your knees praying to God for answers. How can we screw up something our heavenly Father brings together? I think of the famous saying "better to have loved and lost, than to never had loved at all" and honestly the feelings of pain that is felt because of love are so painful, how can one agree with that?

Headed back home. Im on the mnt. Parkway

Entering my old neck of the woods, and I always get a feeling of nostalgia and one of sadness. So many memories and ghosts of past. Thoughts of what was & could have been. I am originally from Campton, KY. I spent many times at Hazel Green.

Headed 2 the hills of east kentucky 4 the weekend 2 visit inlaws will b back sunday

A beautiful day.

I am outside again just enjoying this glorious day. It is beautiful and cool.. the perfect weather to me. I am listening to the new The Isaacs album "..Naturally" and I truly feel that my soul is at peace for the moment. I feel that my questioning is pointless and that I truly am leaning on the everlasting arms. Father, you are God, Creator, and love. We can not fully understand You with this mortal life. I praise You for the many blessings I see and the blessings that my eyes do not see. You comfort me with the cool breeze and the warm sunshine on my face. I love You Father, Lord, and Savior. Your love encompasses all your creations even the lost sheep that deny you. May we as children and servants to the cross bring them to You. Oh Lord continue to hear your children.

Night, love, and more coffee.

I am still sitting here drinking coffee and listening to sad songs. I had to switch my coffee cup for a travel cup to keep it hot. The sun is gone and it is very dark now, just the light of the moon and stars fill the sky. The sun is gone and anybit of happiness I might have felt is

gone also. The air is cool, cold actually and it

bites at my bare fingers but it comforts me like a long lost friend. I sound like some teenage emo, but I just don't have anyone I can truly talk to right now. So here I am blabbing all depressed. Reason I am depressed, is the reason that these sad country artists write these lover lament songs, love. Love is a strange thing. We blindly go into it, or we become comfortable, too

comfortable and we don't see the loose threads starting to unravel. We don't see the strings in our own hands as we slowley pull. I pray that these things work out. Too much at stake.

Love is our greatest gift, but it is our most painful. The many tears I have shed because of love. When I was young I thought I knew what love was, but even now at 28 I realize that I truly didn't understand. I thought sex was love then, like many people have or do. I know that isn't love, it is a way to express our love for each other but by itself it isn't love. I have come to learn that there isn't just one kind of love. There is love we have for family, there is a different kind of love when you see that small shape on a monitor and hear a heartbeat, and your eyes swell with tears of joy. There is aa love that causes many tears when we see a friend being lowered in a dirt grave and you here "ashes to ashes, dust to dust". There is also a kind of love shown when you stand in front of family and God, and make a covenant to keep and hold till death do us part. Love brings so many tears. My tears feel warm on my cheeks right now as they fall. Love.. it is truly a special and hard thing to grasp. We can only hope that this strong emotion doesn't fade and when it does.. it hurts. "if we knew what we had before it was gone," Jeniffer Nettles (Sugarland) sang it best in "the very last country song"

Thoughts over a cup of coffee..

I am sitting on the deck enjoying these cool tempratures before they are gone. Just sitting here watching the sun slowely sink in the western sky, drinking a cup of strong black coffee, listening to sad country songs. I just feel an emptiness and a loneliness that is an old friend and enemy. A deep sinking feeling, the kind of feelings that you think are gone from your life, but have a way to sneak back in. I probably should have gone to church but I wanted to stay home. I think a part of me knew I was going to feel this way and like an animal crawling to be by itself to die, I wanted to be by myself. Why do we try to make ourselves even more depressed when we feel this way? I used to try and drown my feelings with a bottle of bourbon or any other strong whiskey. I gave up drinking, nothing stronger than a cup of coffee, but I almost feel the ghost of a rocks glass on my lips and the feel of a cigarette between my fingers. Satan plays these tricks on us I believe to throw the familiar sins back at us. The sins that still haunt and torment us. He hopes we will give in. I won't give in, I almost ruined my life. Now the sun is gone and the dark, blackness of the night starts to engulf all, except for the lights on my keyboard and monitor.

Don't Give Up

I am sitting here at Amanda's folks listening to music and typing this. Amanda is taking a much needed nap. Today is her birthday. I hope she has enjoyed most of the day. I feel horrible that I have made her upset today. Today was not a day for any upsetting talk, but I still did. I am sorry.

A Boring Post

I am sitting here drinking a vitamin water and reflecting on my life. I just read some of Jen Sward's posts on her blog and it really got me thinking. Tonight I my mind just keeps bouncing from thought to thought. It is strange to think how much can change in a year. Last year, September 3rd I went through one of my most horrible times in my life. It has just been a little over a year that I laid in a bed at St. Joseph Hospital feeling that my life was over. I did as many sinners do as they lay on their death-bed, I repented. I was saved, I accepted Jesus Christ as my savior. I accepted Jesus in my heart on September 17th or 18th and my life began as a Christian. I was baptized on October 26th 2008. Life has changed for me.

Life is a hard thing to really reflect on. Even though my sins are washed, the memory of them still remain. They still haunt my mind. Some things are just hard to forget. I feel I have just fooled so many people in my life. I'm not the great guy that I may seem. I remember nights when I was a teenager holding a loaded .357 in my lap, holding it to my head, then laying it down, pounding my fist into the steering wheel, screaming foul obscenities to the omnipresent darkness of the night. How can God forgive this of me? Through His great love. I know I am forgiven but these memories remain. Memories are a constant reminder of how things was. I wish I could wipe these memories from my mind. They are chains that I wear holding me down.

I am a different person to many. People would even find it hard that I had moments like that. I have so many issues deep down in my subconscious. Things that I haven't forgiven myself. To love another one must learn to love oneself. How can I love myself? How can I love myself knowing all these horrible things I have done or thought?

How?

A Poem (Not By Me) and My Feelings About My Wife

This is a poem from some one's past that is published and I probably will get in the dog house for sharing it. The author is very special to me and the poem is not about me so no worries. Just hope I don't get into too much trouble. This poem is copyright to the author. No Reproduction.

"A New Start"

There was a time when I could fly-- I swear it

My heart was full of love, and I was content

But today, I am lonely

And only the shadow of the dark being that

Symbolized my one true love is left

All that was pure has been eradicated

I am filled with regret-- with longing

The blissfulness in which I used to

Strip and dive is no longer present

It has fled-- along with my sanity

My love for him never ceased, and when it

Seemed as if I could bear no more--

He vanished

Was it a cry against twilight?

Was I too trusting in the mild-eyed stars?

I have learned not to boast about tomorrow

I don't even know what today might bring

I have learned to look toward the white

Scarves of the clouds for hope, and this is

As good a place as any to make a new start

Amanda L. Hollon

For those that do not know my wife, she truly is a talented woman. She is a poet, a wonderful singer with an angelic voice that she tries to hide, a loving mother, creative, can sew anything, makes crafts, and to me her most important talent is she is a very loving, and supportive wife. If you don't know Amanda you are missing a great chance to meet one of God's children full of love and grace. Amanda is very humble and does not boast about any of her talents. She would rather hide it than to gain attention for it. She is truly one of the greatest people I have ever met in my life. I know I am her husband and a bit biased, but I speak all these things as not only her husband but her friend. I can say that being married to her is truly a gift from God. He allowed me to meet one of His daughters and to take her as mine. He has given me a great honor and I hope I can only live up to His commands as a husband and a father myself.

I Truly love Amanda with all of my heart and I am glad that she is my wife and my best friend. She is truly a friend that a person needs. She knows how to bring me to my senses when I get out of control and she knows how to comfort me when I am at my lowest. When I am in tears feeling the pain that this world brings and that this disease throws at me. She gave me the courage and she re-kindled my soul when I was totally lost in despair. I was in that dark hospital room not eating and was ready to accept death if it was God's will, but it wasn't. Amanda reminded me of our love and the love of our daughter and got me to start eating again. I feel that the good Lord worked through her that day. She gave me hope that I had felt I lost. Amanda, I love you and thank the Lord for you.

How many roads must a man walk down, before you call him a man?

The answer my friend.. is blowing in the wind.
One must give credit to Dylan for some of the most poetic and emotional lyrics.
I am just sitting here listening to music on my ipod and this song came on and it really got me thinking. My life is different now, much different. I believe I have walked down many roads, most of them came to a dead end. This new road I walk I feel shall lead me to truth and freedom that we all seek in this life. I walk this road not alone, I walk it with the company of my wife, my daughter following along, and most importantly I am being led by my Savior. I have lost many people I believed were my friends but I know now what friendship really is. I am starting to understand what is important.
Ant.

Annoyance

Well today we got the keys to the house we are going to rent. Today was the day from the start that we agreed on moving in. We get the keys pay rent and rest of the deposit and the place still wasn't cleaned and repairs needed. They had over two months to clean and do repairs. It makes us so frustrated because we have people from church going to help us move Saturday. This is Memorial Day weekend and people have made plans to help us. It just upsets me so much. Today has been very stressful.

Now here to go.. no where to be

"No where to go, no where to be.." I am just sitting here chilling to Kenny Chesney and I really wish I could be on the beach watching the waves. Amanda and I need a vacation. It would be nice if Amanda and I could get away by ourselves for a little while. Our love for each other is deep and our love for Grace is so strong. Though I wish Amanda and I could get away for some us time. Just her and me playing in the warm sand and cool ocean water just being a young couple. We feel so old at times and we both are in our prime. We have so much stress from time to time that I wished we could get out like we did when we was younger. Hit Tallyho's in the early morning and goof off just being young. To go camping and put a tent up in the rain and make love while the rain drips on our tent and the sound of an owl. I remember her and I going to our first Dave Matthews concert and screaming at the top of our lungs, dancing and singing along. I love being a parent but I do miss those old times.
Ant

Solumedrol

Yesterday I had a solumedrol infusion. Solumedrol is a steroid. It has made me hyped up which came in handy today as Amanda and I got a lot of stuff packed in boxes getting ready for the big move!

A new blog.

I have posted many blogs on Live Journal and Myspaace but I have gotten tired of the content on there. So I have decided to start anew. As a phoenix rising from the ashes.
Ant